Dealing with Toddler Tantrums

I did everything wrong today, according to my 18-month-old daughter.

Let me describe to you my failures of the day.

• We only went outside once in the morning because it was 109 degrees the rest of the day.
• I changed her diaper.
• I wouldn’t let her pull a knife out of the dishwasher and run around the house.
• I wouldn’t let her pull my hair.
• I only let her brush my hair with her toothbrush 15 times.
• I changed her diaper again. This time it was poopy and I received several double-legged kicks to my stomach as punishment for my crimes.
• I moved from the couch to the floor so that she couldn’t jump on me from the armchair.
• I read every book she chose, only to have her flail off of my lap every 5 seconds because “that’s not what she wanted.”
• I didn’t read the book she chose fast enough.
• I kissed her good night, only to receive a scowl and an ear-splitting shriek in my ear.

I’m sure I am missing something, but this is a pretty good summary of why Eleanor was mad at me today.

The past few days (weeks?) have felt like this. Brigham and I have ended multiple days in the row feeling completely worn out and emotionally drained.

Eleanor has developed some pretty strong opinions in the past few months, but her vocabulary is very limited at the moment. Ba (ball) and beh (bear) and bi-ye (bike) can only get her so far.

Her only effective forms of communication at the moment are grabbing our hands and pulling us to a spot in the house, pointing at snacks or books or outside, and saying “this?” over and over until she gets what she wants.

Admittedly, her little voice saying “this?” is so cute. But I can tell that she is getting frustrated, and to be honest, so am I.

Time for Tantrums

Turns out, we are right in the thick of the “dealing with toddler tantrums” phase.

Tantrums usually start when children are around 18 months old and happen between the ages of one to three.

nct.org.uk

I realize that this is a totally normal and expected phase of having a kid. I understand that a tantrum is communication, or the result of frustration when Eleanor feels misunderstood.

But I am still so tired after dealing with toddler tantrums and the torrents of toddler emotions.

I’m trying to see things from Eleanor’s shoes. Between 18-24 months, “toddlers start to experience new emotions like anger and frustration, guilt, shame, possessiveness and excitement. These ‘big’ emotions can be hard for your toddler to deal with, and you might see some tantrums as a result.”

The more I consider Eleanor’s position right now, the more I understand why she is acting the way she is.

Two examples from my adult life give me more empathy for toddler tantrums.

Learning a New Language

When I was 19, I left my home and schooling behind for 18 months to serve as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was assigned to labor in the Belgium/Netherlands Mission, and to learn and speak Dutch during my time there.

Learning a language is HARD. During my first few weeks in the Netherlands, I felt overstimulated from hearing so much Dutch. My accent was so strong that most people could not understand me, even if I managed to string the Dutch words together correctly.

I was extremely frustrated at the beginning of my mission because I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but most of the time, I had no idea how to say it.

Anxiety

I dealt with some anxiety in high school, but my anxiety intensified in college, as I prepared for missionary service, and during my time in Belgium and the Netherlands. These new emotions were scary and almost debilitating at times; I didn’t know how to handle or express what I was feeling and I felt stuck.

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As a baby develops into a toddler, so too do their needs develop into far a more come complex spectrum.

Up until now, crying usually meant one of five things: hungry, tired, gassy, “hold me,” or “change my diaper.”

A toddler is learning an entirely new form of communication when they learn to talk. Similarly, a toddler is learning an entire code of appropriate behavioral reactions to the new emotions that are flooding their brains.

If feeling new emotions and learning new words can be overwhelming for an adult, it makes perfect sense why my toddler reacts to a diaper change the way she did today.

Dealing with the Drama

At some point in the day, Eleanor and I each feel the full spectrum of human emotion. Happy. Sad. Frustrated. Angry. Giddy. (And sometimes even unbridled rage from Eleanor. It’s quite the sight to behold.)

So how am I dealing with the drama of a developing toddler, you ask?

One minute at a time.

Here is the advice that I give myself throughout the day when dealing with toddler tantrums brings me to my wit’s end.

Make Time for Your Toddler

I used to spend a lot of time scrolling through social media. It was a easy, fun escape that required little-to-no brain power.

I was shocked about a month ago when I realized how much I was shutting Eleanor out when I would get on my phone and start “doom scrolling.”

In order to make time for Eleanor, I needed to delete social media apps from my phone. This won’t be the answer for everyone; you and your toddler are unique to the people around you.

Having time where I am only focused on Eleanor (and not chores or cooking or my phone) has given me the mental bandwidth to start figuring out what she needs from me during the day.

Remember, Tantrums are Temporary

I remember those early days of motherhood when Eleanor wouldn’t sleep through the night, or those times 8 months ago when her naps would last 16 minutes; I panicked that each new struggle, each new baby development would be my “new normal.”

And then a few weeks would pass, or we would try something new, and Eleanor would move out of that hard phase into another easier phase.

These phases are temporary. She won’t be 25 crying her eyes out everyday because I gave her the wrong snack. [Unless we are talking about pregnancy, ladies. That’s a different ball game, and totally acceptable behavior for a pregnant woman. ;)]

Will my patience be tested everyday until these tantrums end? Probably. But this isn’t forever.

Focus on the good moments

I recently went back through my photos and created a 1 Second Everyday video (not sponsored LOL) of Eleanor’s first year. I sent this video to a few family members and we had a lot of fun watching it together.

My father-in-law made a comment that has stuck with me over the last few weeks.

He said that he was amazed to watch a year’s worth of Eleanor moments and see that she was happy in almost every video clip.

I responded that I had cherry-picked the best moments to put in the video, so we were only seeing the highlights of Eleanor’s first year. Most days had plenty of tears from both Eleanor and I that went unseen from the rest of the world.

He responded that every baby (and toddler) has hard days. Everyone has hard moments. But intermixed with the hard moments are beautiful, joyful memories that make being a parent worthwhile.

It is good to remember that your kid is happy at least once every day, no matter how fleeting the moment is. It means that even on the hardest days dealing with most terrible toddler tantrums, that you are doing something right.

You are enough. This too shall pass.

Love, Molly
Go Forth. Go North.

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