The Good, The Bad, and The In-Between of Weaning
The following details my experience with weaning my daughter at 16 months old. This is not meant to be medical advice or breastfeeding advice or any sort of advice for that matter. I post this with the hope that others will not feel alone in their weaning experience. 🙂
July 7, 2023: I stopped breastfeeding today.
It’s bedtime for Eleanor, and for the first time ever, I am not in the room helping her to bed. For the first time in 16 months and 4 days, I am out on the couch while Brigham is running point on the bedtime routine.
Today is the first day of no breastfeeding Eleanor and I have mixed feelings.
For 16 months, Eleanor and I were tied at the hip (or rather, the boob) at least once a day. From the time I got pregnant to last night, my body partially belonged to her. That is a little over 2 years that Eleanor used my body to live and grow. And now she doesn’t need me like that any more.
My heart hurts. And yet I also feel so free.
I have loved nursing Eleanor. There were times when I was so so sore or she would bite me, and I would wonder why I decided against bottle feeding. But with so many beautiful moments of nursing behind us, I knew that this was how I wanted to feed her.
I loved the connection that I felt with her on day one. My first few weeks of nursing were a physical and emotional journey, but since then, nursing has been a beautiful wonderful experience. I loved when she would reach up and touch my face while she nursed. I loved her sneaky grins and happy eyes as I held her. I loved watching her fall asleep in my arms.
My heart is hurting knowing that I won’t ever get to hold her like that anymore. I don’t get to be that comfort the same way every again. At 16 months, she didn’t need to nurse at all. It was purely a comfort that she and I looked forward to every night. It was comforting to me that even on the hard days, I could reconnect with Eleanor and put her to sleep on a good note.
I held out with it because we went on vacation a month ago and I wanted to be able to nurse her on the plane. That turned out to be a huge blessing and she ended up nursing about 6 times a day because she was so thrown off from traveling.
I was reminded of those early days of nursing when I was constantly hungry and thirsty as my body tried to keep up with the physical demands of nursing. I marveled at just how much it took out of my to nurse so often.
Pregnancy and nursing put a lot of strain on a woman’s body, and even though it was a challenge, I made it through. I DID THAT. I kept Eleanor alive. My body created her body. My body knew what to do to create and feed her. That is incredible.
And now I get to move forward even more. My body and my boobs will change yet again. The hormones will fluctuate, and my body will try to revert back to what it was like before Eleanor.
But even with these changes, even though I am “mourning” knowing that experience with Eleanor is over, I know that she will still need me. And I am still her mom. (Just writing that brought tears to my eyes again.) She’s my daughter. She is mine forever. And nothing will ever change that.
July 8, 2023: 1am Wake Up Call
Eleanor woke up this morning at 1:30am crying. It’s been a long time since she has woken up in the middle of the night and couldn’t put herself back to sleep.
Brigham went in to hold her. I laid in bed feeling like a terrible mom.
I didn’t want to go in because I didn’t want her to smell the milk on me. But at the same time, I wanted to hold her and let her know that I am still here for her. Brigham came back in our room about 10 minutes later and Eleanor was crying again.
It felt like we were back in the newborn days. Neither of us were thinking clearly and I was stressed.
I remember saying to Brigham, “This is awful. I didn’t want to do this.”
I got up and made the decision before getting to Eleanor’s room that under no circumstances was I going to nurse her.
I picked her up out of the crib and sat in our rocking chair. I laid the chair back as far as it went and tried to get Eleanor in a comfortable spot next to me on the chair. But she wanted to lay right on my chest like she did as a newborn. I held her there for a few minutes rubbing her back.
When she was totally still and I thought she was asleep, I moved her back to snuggling next to me. But in the light of my phone screen, I saw her eyes wide open. Tired, wide eyes. She was fighting sleep hard, like she was trying to savor this time with me. Brigham has been handling naps since we cut nursing from her nap routine last week, and maybe she was missing our time together in the rocking chair. I certainly have been.
We sat and rocked for a while. I held her little body close to mine. She didn’t move at all; she seemed so content to stay right there for a good long while. I am going to miss nursing Eleanor, but I still have my cuddly girl.
I put her back in bed and of course, she cried. Within 10 minutes, Eleanor fell back asleep. That was a huge blessing and comfort to me. She just needed some love from Brigham and I. She is going to be just fine.
July 10, 2023: My Boobs Hurt.
It’s day 4 of no breastfeeding and I am FEELING IT.
My boobs are full and heavy and tender as all get out.
I’m grumpy and moody.
I find myself feeling weepy one second, then unbothered another.
My body hurts. It feels kind of like the effects of the flu setting in.
I’m frustrated but I have no logical thing to be frustrated about, which is making me even more frustrated. (UGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!)
And the BLOAT. Between the weight of my boobs and the water that my body is retaining from not nursing, I feel like an elephant.
When I first intentionally cut out a feeding several months ago, my hormones went crazy for a few days, but I was still nursing for naps and at night, so it was a gradual thing. Even then, I cried about choosing a place to order dinner from because I didn’t know what I wanted to eat.
This time around with totally stopping with breastfeeding feels less intense than that first big nursing cut, but I think this round will be more prolonged and milder, rather than quick and intense like last time.
Eleanor seems to be getting used to no nursing. It’s amazing how adaptable little kids are. This is a huge life change for her, and on the whole, she is managing so well.
She is amazing.
She must know that I am needing extra cuddles. She probably needs them too. The past few days, she has wanted me to hold her so much more. She has been reaching up for me more and more, and when I pick her up, she lays her head on my shoulder. She just wants to be held and loved and I need it so bad.
Her new thing lately has been giving Brigham and I soft pats on our cheeks and arms when we hold her. She is so tender. It’s like she knows that I need her just as much as she needs me. She is so wonderful and I am so thankful to be her mom. I am thankful for the beautiful time we had to bond while breastfeeding, and I am excited for our bond to grow and strengthen in new ways.
July 17, 2023: Feeling Better
It’s taken a few days, but my boobs finally feel better. I’m not all dried up by any means, but I am no longer engorged (HALLELUJAH!).
On Friday, I tried the whole “frozen cabbage in the bra” trick, which felt AMAZING for about 5 minutes. But then all the moisture seeped into my bra, which was decidedly not awesome. I also heard that peppermint helps with drying up your milk ducts, so I drank some peppermint herbal tea that day. Not sure if that was the cause of anything, but I started feeling SO MUCH BETTER on Saturday.
The mood swings are still making their appearances. I expect that it will take some time for those to regulate. But I am feeling significantly happier and better on the whole. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders in the last few days. I feel more like myself again.
Today was the first day since I weaned Eleanor that I felt like I could workout. It felt good to move my body again, even if certain exercises felt harder after 7ish days of no working out. I’m sure the changes in my hormones are also contributing to that.
Eleanor is the true hero of our weaning experience. Even through some hard days this week (we think it’s a combination of weaning and teething), she has still been so sweet. She has only become more cuddly with both me and Brigham; she wants to be cuddled and gives us plenty of hugs throughout the day.
She makes it all worth it. The discomfort, the mood swings, that changes that my body has seen in the past 2 years.
She outweighs it all.
Love, Molly
Go North. Go North.
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