Fighting Off the Mom Guilt

I felt guilty for taking a break yesterday. 

Eleanor went down for her nap like normal. After doing a quick spruce-up of the toys in the living room, I sat on the couch and realized that I didn’t have any pressing chores or checklist items that needed to be finished.

I had a few things that I could have done. I could have done laundry a few days early. I could have emptied the dishwasher. I could have swept the floor, or cleaned the cabinets, or organized my closet.

There were a million things that I could have done. But for the first time in a few days, there was nothing that needed to be done right away.

My first instinct was to read my book or watch a movie during my unexpected break. But then the intrusive thoughts came.

“Why do I deserve a break?”
“My life consists of playing toys and watching movies with Eleanor.”
“I should use this time to find something else to clean.”
“Brigham is the one should get a break since he spends his day working.”

Stupid mom guilt.

Guilty Conscience

If this were anyone else telling me this experience, I would not have seen the problem. I would have been so incredibly proud of her for getting everything done, and so happy that she now had some time for herself.

I would also encourage her to take that break during nap time on days that the laundry or dishes or vacuuming felt too daunting.

So why can’t I extend that same kindness to myself? Why do I expect myself to be at 100% when I don’t always give myself time to recharge? Why is the mom guilt so powerful?

Creating Realistic Expectations

When I take a step back from the mom guilt, I see the problem plain and clear.

I judge my success as a mom against my own fantasy construct of what “good moms” do.

“Mom guilt” is a name given to the feelings of guilt and shame some people feel when they don’t live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent. It’s like an internal dialogue that tells you you’re failing as a caregiver. 

Cleveland Clinic

When I compare myself to what I think I am supposed to be, I don’t usually measure up.

And then we have social media and the internet. A blessing and a curse.

How often do I scroll past an Instagram perfect mom who gardens and bakes and her kids never fight and she has a six pack and she and her kids each play 7 instruments.

The pressure among millennials to be great parents is fierce. In February, parenting site BabyCenter released its annual report on modern moms. It surveyed 2,700 U.S. mothers ages 18 to 44 and found that nearly 80% of millennial moms said it’s important to be “the perfect mom,” compared with about 70% of moms in Generation X; 64% of moms across age groups said they believe parenting is more competitive today than it used to be.

TIME

When I compare myself to the people I see online, I feel like there is so much more that I should be doing to be a better mom.

It’s no surprise then that I don’t usually think I deserve a break if I am only seeing “gaping holes” in my motherhood instead of the success that happen every day.

How to Combat the Mom Guilt

I ended up reading my book yesterday. Brigham convinced me that a break would do me good, and shocker, he was right.

I’m learning to combat the mom guilt as I remind myself of the following things:

1. “Secure your own mask first before helping others.”

I hear this every time I get on an airplane, but I never realized that this applies to motherhood until now. In the event of an emergency, the overhead announcements always instruct passengers to make sure that their oxygen mask is secure before assisting those around them.

This is a perfect analogy for motherhood.

A similar analogy is “you can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Moms (and dads) have a responsibility to take care of themselves mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually so that they can be there for each other and their kids.

You can’t help someone else very well if you are running on empty.

We as moms are not meant to go on forever without stopping. No one is. Even God rested on the seventh day after all of His labors.

Give yourself a chance to recharge (with a full cup and secure oxygen mask) so that you can be who you need to be for the people you love.

2. The chores can be done later, and the chores can be fun.

I am realizing that it is OK that my house looks lived in….. because there are in fact, people living in my home.

Crazy, I know.

My house does not need to be clean for me to take a break. There can be laundry on the bed and dishes in the sink and toys on the ground, and that is OK. I am still worthy of a break.

I don’t need to be a “super mom” and do everything right now.

And I find that I have a lot of fun doing certain chores with Eleanor’s “help.” It’s fun to watch her unload the cutting boards from the dishwasher. It’s fun to give her a paper towel and teach her to clean off the table. It’s fun to get her help in bringing the hamper to the laundry room.

I don’t need to sacrifice my break time to do the chores quickly every time. Skipping that break can also mean I skip out on quality time with myself, and quality time with Eleanor.

3. Taking Breaks helps to Restore my Identity as a Woman.

When I give myself some “me time,” I start to feel like “me” again.

Weird how that works.

Becoming a mom made me question my identity. I started feeling like my success as a person was based on my ability to do things for other people all of the time.

Taking breaks and needing time for myself felt selfish because I wasn’t directly doing something for someone else with that time.

Taking time for myself has given me a chance to get to know myself again after becoming a mom. I have reconnected with old friends, made new friends, strengthened my faith, rediscovered old hobbies, and felt more love for myself as I take time for myself.

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Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You are worth it, and you are awesome.

Love, Molly
Go Forth. Go North.

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