Identity Crisis as a Mom
I have always wanted to be a mom; even as a little kid, I knew that was what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never anticipated that I would have an identity crisis as a mom. I thought being a mom would provide more purpose than I had ever had, even more than my time as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
But my world was rocked when I lost my identity in those early days of motherhood.
Some Background
Eleanor was born March 2022 during Brigham’s and my second to last semesters at BYU. I studied journalism, and I was very lucky to have professors who let me finish my semester before Eleanor was born. My remote campus job also allowed me to take several weeks off when Eleanor was born.
Between the lack of sleep, exclusive nursing, tending to general home tasks, and adjusting to adding an entire person (!) to our family, I had little time or energy leftover most days and I was extremely thankful for the break from school and working.
We settled into our new normal, and I was able to finish my last semester at BYU and work from home with Eleanor right at my side.
Because I was nursing, and with Brigham working more hours and taking more classes than I was, I took full responsibility for Eleanor during the day. Between taking care of Eleanor, attending my last class, and keeping up with work, I was very busy and very tired by the end of each day. I was happy to be home doing nothing when the end of the day came.
Though I was often stressed (and definitely overworking myself), I was happy with the progress that I was making; I was learning a lot at BYU and making a real difference at my job, and I felt like I was taking this whole “motherhood thing” in stride. I found purpose and identity in being a student journalist and graphic designer along with being a mom, and those roles helped me recognize my successes on days when being a mom was difficult and repetitive.
Identity Crisis
Then December 2022 came, and in one fell swoop, my outlets were gone.
After we graduated and moved from Utah to Arizona, my feeling of “stuck-ness” intensified. Suddenly, my identity was not “the student,” “the journalist,” or “the designer.”
My identity was now completely wrapped up in taking care of someone else 24/7.
I felt like my life was now a game of “catch-up” with my husband and my daughter. While my daughter was learning to walk, I was picking up toys and cleaning up messes. While my husband changed jobs and learned new skills, I was trying to keep up with the laundry and keep the house clean.
I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt emotionally drained. My body looked and felt different. I didn’t even know what I liked to do after having a baby.
Enter my identity crisis as a mom.
This is Normal.
I kept wondering why so many women had told me that being a mom is so amazing. They couldn’t all be lying to me, right?
Turning to the internet, I started my research.
I was surprised and very comforted to realize that having an identity crisis as a mom is actually very normal, and not permanent.
Experts say that many—if not most—moms will at some point come to this crossroads. So many mothers have a moment when they feel that their entire identity is wrapped up in the role of mom. According to the 2020 State of Motherhood survey by Motherly, 71% of moms report being “most strongly defined” by their motherhood. Among moms under 30 with young children, that bumps up to 78%. And those who are not in the workforce—87%—are more likely to feel this way.
“Losing yourself in motherhood is so common,” says Heidi McBain, a marriage and family therapist based in Flower Mound who specializes in coaching moms and moms-to-be. “Women are often socialized to put other people’s wants and needs before their own, which can be an easy pattern to continue in motherhood. Also, women are still more likely than men in this day and age to become full-time stay-at-home parents or cut back on their work hours to take care of family, which can lead to motherhood becoming all-encompassing.”
But whether working, staying home, or somewhere in between, motherhood is all-consuming. It’s a demanding, round-the-clock job, where one day’s responsibilities bleed into the next with no breaks in between. In fact, a 2018 study found that the average American mom “works” about 98 hours a week caring for her family, the equivalent of two-and-a-half full-time jobs.
dfwchild.com
I was a huge relief to realize that how I was feeling was normal and even expected. These feelings don’t make you a bad mom or a bad person. They make you just like millions of other moms who are trying to make through the day.
Many parents lose their identity after having a baby because of the sudden influx of changes from their life. These include changes in their:
- professional identity
- ability to make money
- social life
- time for leisure activities
- spontaneity
- time with their partner and friends
- time to be alone
- confidence in how they look
- freedom
I also learned about depleted mother syndrome, which “occurs when demands on the mother increase, and her resources decrease. As a result of this imbalance, the mother’s emotional sensitivity to both internal, and external triggers becomes heightened.”
I was living proof of everything I had found in my research.
A Catalyst for Change
Realizing that this was normal, I also found hope for a solution to my problem.
They were just small changes at first.
- I got ready for the day even if I wasn’t going out.
- I created a checklist every day of what I wanted to get done and stuck to that list until I had a list of completed “small victories.”
- I started planning dinners that made me excited to cook in the evening.
Once I got more comfortable with these new changes, I started brainstorming other ways to emotionally and mentally “bounce back” (for lack of a better term).
- I started prioritizing my study of the scriptures.
- I got creative on how to workout from home.
- I looked back at my childhood hobbies to rediscover what I liked to do. For me, that was reading.
- I started reaching out to other moms to help me feel less alone.
And now I am here, excited to build a community of women who want to find themselves again in the context of motherhood. I am by no means perfect and I am excited to learn with you, grow with you, and cry with you when needed.
You are still you. You are still in there. Let’s find ourselves again, together.
Love, Molly
Go Forth. Go North.
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